plz talk dirty to me
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
