dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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