that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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