i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
