I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
