My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
