Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
