hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Randomize
