Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
