So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
