so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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he fucked my hip out of place.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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