I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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