So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
