what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
