The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
