I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
