i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
