it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
