gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
