he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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