I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
