haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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