dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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