Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
