things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
