Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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