i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
