After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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