Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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