so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
