This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
