mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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