Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
