Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
