Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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