I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
