I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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