I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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