I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
