and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
