drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
