Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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