I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
