i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
