you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
