hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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