I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
