ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
