I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
