I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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