It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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