and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
