I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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