her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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