This is not my ceiling
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
