i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
