I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
