I accidentally had phone sex last night
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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