you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
