My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
